Sunday, 20 March 2011

On Where To Find Me

I’m so sorry this is up so much later than intended – an exploding boiler at home, consequent replacement of said boiler, and then associated cleaning of prodigious amounts of dust and muck in the house have rather taken over my life in the last few days. Just what I DIDN’T need the week I start a new full-time job, but then, as one of my favourite sayings goes:

“Sometimes you get what you want, sometimes you get what you need, and sometimes you get what you get.”

And, in any case, I feel mightily lucky at the moment. We started this year with me unemployed, the Wonderspouse about to lose his job owing to his contract being finished and not renewed, and all in the middle of a recession, and things COULD have been pretty scary. However, we BOTH have new jobs – mine is starting NOW, and his starts in a couple of weeks, and we now have hot water and heating again!

Furthermore, when we look at the news from Japan and see zillions of people caught up in earthquakes, tsunamis, nuclear explosions, and then blizzards, or we see people all caught up in the middle of people shooting each other all over North Africa and nearby places, then we really do feel monstrously lucky.

So, having felt lucky, here’s to attend to the real business of this post. As I explained in the last post, this blog will be locked this evening, as will my twitter account. However, here’s what’s happening.

Facebook: changed my username to my maiden name. I am still extremely happily married though, and my real name remains as before. I have also set up a facebook account for Viola Maths (facebook.com/ViolaMaths) so internet friends can find me and friend me – feel free to send a request, although the site IS somewhat under construction. I’ll find you from there though!

Twitter: @ViolaMaths will be locked from tonight.

Blipfoto: name has been changed. Commentaries have been hidden for old entries, although they are still available in a locked blog. If you want the URL and password, then e-mail tinyfish11@gmail.com

Pomes: are still available at http://violamaths.posterous.com/ They’re a bit sporadic, but I like them – and they all rhyme!

Ears: will be left up at http://ayearwithmyears.blogspot.com/ although the project is now finished! If you’re into music, you may enjoy browsing it!

ALSO:

My VERY close friend, Jasmine Shaw (known as Jaz to her mates) has just joined the internet. She’s started tweeting as @JazMShaw and has a facebook account at facebook.com/jazmshaw – she hasn’t got many friends yet, since she’s pretty new, but she’s a great lass! She’s also planning a couple of blogs at http://jazmshaw.blogspot.com/ and http://jazmshaw.posterous.com/ which may interest my blog followers – she has a lot of the same ideas about stuff as I do, which is why we’re such good friends!!! Her accounts are all pretty blank at the moment, but I’m gently encouraging her to put finger to keyboard and blog about cool and interesting stuff – she’d be well-chuffed if you followed her!

Anyway, that’s IT from here! I’ll be checking comments and locking down in around 10 hours. I have to go now because breakfast is ready – writing blog posts is fun, but not AS fun as eating pancakes!

Fare well all of you! And thanks SO much for being fab! x

Monday, 14 March 2011

On Returning to Life

OK, so maybe the title is SLIGHTLY misleading – I haven’t actually died and then been brought, Lazarus style, back into the world of the living!

However, the way things are going at the moment, it really does feel like I’ve been in some sort of suspended animation for the last couple of years and I’m actually starting to live again!

Those of you who have been regular readers of this blog since it started will know that I am just a bit bonkers, i.e. I have bipolar disorder, and sometimes this affects my life considerably for long periods of time. During 2009 I became very ill, first with depression, then with a manic episode towards the end of the year, and then, at the start of 2010, cycling back into depression.

There were several consequences from all these extreme mood swings. First, I finally sought proper professional help from a psychiatrist for the first time in several years. I took the medication prescribed, ignoring any side effects for the time being. I listened to my Community Psychiatric Nurse from the Community Mental Health team, and I generally did as I was told.

Secondly, I finally accepted that I would have to give up on things that I’d been fiercely hanging onto in a refusal to admit that I was as ill as I was. I withdrew from all the Open University maths courses I was studying. I stopped trying to read, trying to practice my viola, trying to write blogs and so on. And I gave up my job, finally accepting that my life would have to be funded by the benefits system for a spell, and that I would be unemployed.

Thirdly, I realized that if I was going to re-enter “normal” (for want of a better word) life again, I’d have to work at it. I’d have to exercise to get physically fit enough. I’d have to swallow my pride and allow others to do things for me, I’d have to do things I found terribly frightening and uncomfortable, and I’d have to regain my self-confidence, bit by bit.

And so it was that, after a year of hard hard work, a year in which I razed much of my life to the ground, that I began to emerge, over Christmas 2010, back into something approximating real life.

Exactly how I did it is not really what I’m intending to write about here. What I will say is that it was tough, very tough. I made myself eat properly. I used every ounce of willpower to get off the sofa and go for walks rather than reaching for the chocolate. I got in the car feeling very very sick in order to go to events that I really didn’t want to go to. I made myself keep appointments, even ones which frightened me. I made myself talk to people, look them in the eye. I practiced my viola as often as I could. I started reading again – at first, just “easy” things, and now stuff that’s a bit more challenging. I started to live slightly less on the internet and slightly more in the real world. I took my meds (although I firmly believe that medication is only about one quarter of the treatment of my condition, and facing up to it, listening to those around me, exercising when I can, and using CBT techniques on myself are also very very important parts of the treatment). I did every little exercise set by my therapist, even if it felt really stupid at the time, and I talked about it. Poor Wonderspouse was bored to death, stressed out of his mind etc, but I discovered that healing comes much more quickly if the feelings aren’t bottled up and left to fester. I’m lucky in that I have someone who is prepared to listen and sticks by me whatever happens – that is something very valuable, and has certainly helped no end with my recovery.

And so, in December 2010, while we were marooned in our house in the snow, things started to improve. I’d been to play in a concert in Yorkshire, and had to drive home in bad weather and abandon the car several miles from home owing to snow. Once home, we dug ourselves in for Christmas and the New Year.

As the clock ticked over to 2011 I decided that things WOULD be better this year. I would MAKE them better. I re-read John Bird’s “How to Change Your Life in 7 Steps” (look it up, get a copy, and read it – it’s only £1.99 on Amazon and will only take you one bathtime to read). I learnt that there was no point fretting about things I couldn’t do anything about, I stopped hoping for some magical cure, and I started to rebuild my life, bit by bit.

And so, when I went back to see my psychiatrist in January this year, she declared me well and “discharged” me from the clinic. I took up the offer of a support worker from a mental health charity designed to help people with mental health difficulties get back to work. I got out my CV, and started to think about what I could do.

Around mid-January I started to think about teaching, first of adults, then tutoring privately, then, eventually wondering whether I might go back to teaching classrooms full of teenagers, as I used to, 8 years ago before I opted for a “low-key” career in administration.

The Wonderspouse and I had lots of discussions and I did a lot of thinking. I’d left teaching for a couple of reasons. First, I’d decided it was too stressful and thought that if I got a different sort of job I’d no longer suffer from mental illness. This assumption has proved to be untrue – whatever job I’m doing at the time, it seems that if the mind is going to go wrong, it does. My lunacy is caused by something chemical in my brain, which is then fed by learned behaviours, and is not the result of any particular job or career. Secondly, I thought that I’d be more likely to conceive a child if I was less stressed and I wanted to avoid children because the whole issue of them was so painful at the time. As it turns out, we haven’t been able to have children anyway and that is just the way it is. We’ve grieved for our non-existent children, been to counselling and so on, and generally moved on from that phase of our life.

I did think about returning to teaching a few years ago. However, at that time we travelled a lot. And we travelled cheaply, on budget airlines, at antisocial hours on antisocial days. A teaching career certainly wasn’t compatible with that lifestyle!

But now things have changed again. We no longer travel, partly because the cheap fares offered now come with all sorts of “baggage charges” etc these days, and partly because we now have 5 cats, two of whom are on medication, and it really isn’t feasible to ask a neighbour to take on that sort of responsibility while we’re away.

So, towards the end of January, we came to the conclusion that I would return to the classroom. Not, as before, as a music teacher, but as a maths teacher, since I’ve been doing an Open University maths degree for the last few years.

I started off by buying a Times Educational Supplement, and applying for a Return To Teaching course. I also applied for a teaching job that was advertised in the Times Ed. In the end, after much hoo-ha, I was unsuccessful in my application for the Return To Teaching course (they wouldn’t take someone who was changing subject), but, after a full-day job interview (including teaching a 50 minute maths lesson to a year 9 group), the school offered me the job to start after the Easter holidays!

Since then, I’ve been into the school a couple of times and have been communicating with them by e-mail, and life has started to move even faster. It transpires that they could actually do with a maths teacher starting even earlier, and since I’m not working out notice at another job, have offered me three weeks supply teaching before the Easter holidays. I therefore return to work on Friday of this week (I’m going in for a day to prepare and settle in before taking over classes next Monday).

Of course, and this is really the purpose of my writing this blog post, this will all have quite a big impact on my life. Yes, there will be a big impact on our lives at home – earlier mornings, me driving the Wonderspouse into work, me having holidays limited to school holiday times, fewer gigs, fewer concerts, lots of preparation and marking out of school time, lots and lots of hard work, and so on. I’ve also had to go out and get new clothes, smart ones, suitable for the job I’m going to do, although I shall also be well-rewarded – a full-time teacher’s salary is considerably more than either a part-time admin clerk’s one or the benefits I’ve had for the last few months.

But, there are also implications for my online life. I am the sort of person who is open and “out there”. I’ve never felt a need to hide my mental health problems, neither have I felt any need to hide who I am, what I look like (no matter how stout I am, for example), or where I live, etc. etc. (beyond a reasonable sense of not giving out my address on a public forum then announcing I’m going away for a month – I have no desire to be burgled and try to reduce the risks if I can).

However, things are different now I’m going back to school. I have already changed many things in my online life. I am hiding commentaries from my blipfoto account – although these are available elsewhere online now (or will be soon) and if you get in touch with me via the usual channels, I’m happy to say where. I’ve changed my facebook account to my maiden name and opened a new account in my twitter name so that online friends can find me. I’ve changed my profile pictures and “unlinked” things in various places. And now it’s time to deal with my blog.

Given what information there IS on this blog, I’ve come to the conclusion that I have little choice other than to lock it down. This will therefore be the penultimate post, for the time being, on “On Music, Maths and Moggies”. I shall leave it open for as many people to read this as possible, until Sunday 20th March 2011, which is the day before I actually start teaching again.

I hate having to do this. It’s complete anathema to me to hide things away. I spent my teenage years trying to be something “they” wanted me to be, and eventually learned that life was much easier if I was “myself” and people could take me or leave me as I was – if you hate me because my teeth stick out (they did, rather seriously), or because I wear glasses (I do) or because I’m overweight (quite considerably) or my hair is wrong, or my clothes aren’t fashionable or you don’t like my voice, or I’m mentally ill, or whatever it is, then that is your problem, not mine! I only have one life on this planet, which is short enough, and as I get older, I realize it is WAY too short to spend it playing “let’s pretend”!

However, as a teacher I have responsibilities. I am responsible for keeping myself “fit to teach” – teaching is a hard job at the best of times and I’m going to be working in a “challenging” school. I cannot afford to let the kids have access to anything they can use to get to me if I am going to keep myself sane during the difficult times. I am responsible for the children – my mental health problems are not something they should have to cope with, and neither should their parents be able to find out this sort of thing about the person responsible for educating their children. I am also responsible to the school. The school in question have offered me the job even though they know about my history and even though I’m changing subjects. They have offered to mentor me throughout my early time with them, and will do everything they can to make my career a success – they don’t need to be fighting fallout from something I’ve written on the internet.

So, dear readers, it is with a heavy heart that I shall lock this blog down very soon. I thank you all so much for reading and for all your comments over the last couple of years. This is a “farewell” from this PARTICULAR blog site, for now. I shall leave it available for reopening, possibly in the future, if things should change again.

BUT:

I am not giving up blogging. Far from it in fact. Blipfoto continues to be posted every day (albeit under a new username these days – contact me if you need to know what – friend Viola Maths on facebook if you like – facebook.com/ViolaMaths, or follow @ViolaMaths on twitter (but you’ll have to do that before Sunday too, because I’m locking that account then so I can continue to post links to blipfoto and so on up there, can continue to play freely there if I wish, and because my real name used to be linked to that account and still appears in cached searches etc)).

However, I have also set up a completely new internet identity, separate from ViolaMaths, under a name of my choosing (a name which is not random at all and is very significant to me, but is not directly linked with my own name). I have set up a couple of blog sites under that username and will be blogging from there (assuming I have time!!!). I haven’t quite worked out the whole thing yet (this is a VERY busy time at the moment – the fact that I’m writing this on my laptop while in darkest Wales, just before I rehearse for a concert is testament to that), but I’ll disseminate the information via all the usual channels and will post one, last, short post here at the end of this week (probably Saturday, so it’ll be available for about 24 hours). Maybe I’ll even reblog some of the posts from this site under the new identity or on a password-protected blog so that they’re once again available, and I’ll certainly be sorting out my own blog reading activity and following blogs I follow from here too as well as following various ones I have bookmarked, or favourited on twitter and so on!

As usual, I’ve gone on far too long, and I’m afraid I have no time to edit at the moment (ironically, the busier I am, the longer the blog post – typing stuff out in a “stream of consciousness” style is far quicker than crafting elegantly edited text) so you’ll just have to cope!

Thank you and (almost) goodbye!

Tuesday, 1 February 2011

On Our Beautiful Bean

I can’t actually remember what I was doing on 1st February 1994. If it was a weekend day I was probably getting up late, sitting with a cup of tea in my dressing gown, and then settling down to work on the manuscript of Hans Keller’s book on the Mendelssohn violin concerto, which I was editing at the time. If it was a weekday I probably took the train into London from my flat in Dulwich and spent the day in College – probably at a seminar, almost certainly playing my viola in some sort of workshop, maybe taking the tube up to the Academy for a viola lesson.

I was certainly oblivious to an event taking place in Chicago, USA, which was to have a significant impact on my life, for several years, over a decade later!

A tiny white kitten was born that day. I don’t know the exact circumstances of her birth, or how many were in the litter, or even what her parents were like, but I do know that she was separated from her mother very early and taken to the “animal pound” in Chicago. From there she was adopted by a young academic who was just starting out in a career studying Chinese manuscripts, a career which would take him all over the world. He named the kitten Athena.

Athena and the young academic became inseparable. She travelled all over the USA with him – in a soft “sports bag” type cat carrier in the cabin on internal flights, and she lived, as I believe many cats do in the States, entirely indoors. From Chicago the pair moved first to San Francisco, and then to Maine. I can’t really imagine what her life was like in these days, since I’ve never actually been to America and my entire perception of the place is based on television programmes!

When Athena was 11 years old, the young academic took up a three-year position as a research worker in the Oriental Studies department at Oxford University. Obviously, since she was so loved, Athena came to join him in Oxford. She travelled from the States on a Virgin Atlantic plane and, having had rabies jabs and so on, came into the country via the animal reception centre at Heathrow airport. She had a giant cage for the flight, known as “Sky Kennel”.

However, events then transpired to change her life forever. The young academic had married and his wife had recently given birth to their first child. This child, it turns out, was catastrophically allergic to Athena – just being in the same room as her brought the baby out in hives and caused it breathing difficulties. Having brought her over from the States, the young academic was now in a position where he could no longer keep his beloved cat, now over 11 years old, rather overweight from years of “soft love” and only just avoiding insulin injections as a result of type 2 diabetes.

So, as happens in many academic departments, he sent a circular e-mail round to the whole department. This one was entitled “New home required for old cat”.

At the time, the Wonderspouse and I had been married for just over 3 years, and were going through the agonies of infertility and realizing that we were unable to have children. We already had two cats, and the plan had been to add more humans to the family, but despite many hospital visits and much trying, it was becoming obvious that the human tally of our family was stubbornly stuck at two, so we started thinking that maybe if we couldn’t have a baby, we’d have a couple of kittens instead and lavish all the spare love we had going on them.

However, the circular e-mail that the Wonderspouse read at work one day put paid to the kittens idea. He arrived home from work one evening with a palm-top computer with a picture of a pure white, rather stout old cat, with, rather bewitchingly, one blue eye and one green eye. He explained her situation, and, of course, I said we must take her!

I set about cleaning out our utility room (the only room downstairs in our house with a door – it’s rather open plan here) to try to make it smell of our other two cats as little as possible and to turn it into Athena’s own personal home. Knowing that the young academic didn’t have a car, I offered to go and collect her from Oxford, but he was very keen to see where she would be living so decided to hire a car for the day and bring her to our house himself.

The day she arrived I tried very hard to hide my astonishment at the amount of paraphernalia she had with her. I can honestly say that I’ve NEVER known a cat with so much stuff. She had three carriers – her “normal” one, her soft “sports bag” type one and the giant “sky kennel”. She had bowls, tins of some sort of posh catfood, packets of crunchies, blankets, towels, a scarf, her own litterbox and scratch post, her own brush, and many many toys – including a “Virgin” mouse she’d been given on the flight over, and an old sock which had been turned into a mouse. This last was her favourite thing of all – we called him Mr Black Sock Mouse!

The young academic was absolutely delighted when he saw where she would be living and ever so pleased to see that she had her own room. This would be an essential part of the “introduction” process. Since we already had two cats and Athena had not met another cat since the day she was born we knew we’d have to take things very slowly as far as everybody meeting each other was concerned. Eventually, once she’d settled down in her new quarters, she was handed over to us and the human she’d been with all her life said goodbye to her and drove off, tears in his eyes.

Then began the “getting to know you” process! It wasn’t easy!

In those days the Wonderspouse used to leave his study door open, and, the moment we first opened the utility door to say hello to the new member of the family she made her escape and headed upstairs, straight under his desk. No amount of cajoling or bullying would make her come out – she wasn’t enticed by food, nor was she “persuaded” by a water pistol. She just sat there, swore and hissed at us, and went for us with her claws if we got too close. She then did a large poo under the Wonderspouse’s desk, and, once she emerged and we managed to get her back in the utility (via her catbox), he decided he’d keep his door shut in future.

She was clearly overweight and overfed, and in order to try to get her diabetes under control we embarked on a strict regime of diet and exercise. No more crunchies left for “a volonte” snacking, no more sitting around all day. She got her two regular meals each day, and she and I got into a routine where I’d carry her to the bottom of the stairs up to 20 times a day, then go and sit at the top (at first with the reward of a single cat crunchie, and, as we began to bond, just a cuddle and a lot of fuss). In this way, over many many months, with much hard work, her weight reduced from 6kg to around 4kg, which the vet declared was a healthy weight. We noticed a change in her behaviour – she was livelier and more active. Wonderful.

We did experiment with letting her outside. At first we took her round the garden in our arms, then on a harness, letting her explore. After a week or so we let her out on her own. It was at that point she went missing! And it was winter!!!

Following a sleepless night, we put up posters all round the village – she certainly became well-known. The Wonderspouse worried that he’d have to give up his job – how could he go into work, face her former human and admit that we’d lost her! The next evening we had fish for supper, and spread most of it on the front lawn in the hope of enticing her back.

Then we heard a knock on the door – she’d tried to go to our next-door neighbour’s house. We exchanged phone numbers just in case, so we wouldn’t have to open doors and distract her. Eventually we got the phone call we wanted “the cat is in the house”! I went round with Athena’s box, and there was a joyful homecoming, complete with big meal (she was hungry) and lots of cuddles and purrs! Phew!

And so it was, that the bad-tempered stout cat became a treasured member of the family. A few months later we rehomed another elderly cat, Pebbles, from my cousin, who was moving to New Zealand. They didn’t exactly become “friends”, but were a couple of old ladies together – they both lived indoors too. In fact, when Athena died, Pebbles (@EbblePeb) became very dejected and bereft until Smudge and Dexter arrived shortly afterwards.

Since I was at home when Athena arrived, she and I bonded very strongly. She became very much “my” cat (in as much as any cat “belongs” to any person). She was also my “baby substitute”, and with her white fur, constant “crying” (she was part-Siamese), regular production of furballs and need for attention, she did a pretty good job!

She was very VERY loud in her “calling for attention”, and talked constantly. We had to put up a barricade to stop her getting to our bedroom door because she woke us up at 4 in the morning on such a regular basis. We could hear her yowling from anywhere in the house, and I’m certain the neighbours must have thought we were committing murder, the screaming noises she made when she was picked up.

She was always very nervous about being picked up, no matter how many times we pointed out to her that we had 70 years of cat-holding experience between the two of us. She loved to sit with her front paws wrapped around our shoulders though, which was terribly terribly cute. She also dribbled a bit, even after I had her teeth descaled and sorted out!

She was also very very funny! She loved being brushed and would jump onto “her” chair in the kitchen the minute I picked up the brush. She and Felix used to chase each other up and down the sitting room – him outside on the terrace, her inside, running along by the windows. They could do lap after lap this way – and it was a great way for them both to get exercise.

She also continued to be naughty! One morning we came downstairs and were alarmed to see redness on her neck – closer inspection revealed that she wasn’t actually bleeding, but covered in tomato sauce from last night’s spaghetti bolognaise! Another day we couldn’t work out why her ears had suddenly turned very yellow – jaundice? liver disease? no, just the turmeric from last night’s curry! When you’re pure white you can’t get away with these things!!!

Her other seriously beautiful feature was her eyes. She was an “odd-eyed” white cat – one blue eye that glowed red in the dark, one yellow eye that glowed green in the dark. When we shone a light the length of the darkened sitting room it really was like looking at the side of a motorway! Many people asked if she was deaf, because many white cats are – I discovered that it is those with two blue eyes who are often deaf – Athena’s yellow eye ensured that she could hear!

Like all cats in our house, she acquired a nickname, one connected either to her name or one of her characteristics. She became “The Bean” very early on (from Athena-Beana), and the name stuck. Like all cats the world over she had some crazy habits – she’d “help” with almost anything given the chance, and if she wanted attention would paw at our legs until we took notice – on the occasions we were wearing loose trousers this could result in them being pulled down as she was so forceful. She also ate string, tinsel, ribbon and so on – we had to be careful not to leave any such things around – a lesson we learnt after the first Christmas when she ate the tinsel and then left sparkly furballs all over the house!

We knew she wasn’t young when we took her on, and she was never in great health, but we were very surprised by how she thrived when she came to live with us. Her fur was the softest you can possibly imagine, and the times I snuggled my face between her ears were many and wonderful. I remember saying, which she got to about 15, that I would really miss her when she went, and as she got older we treasured every moment we spent with her.

It became clear in July last year that she wasn’t well. My blipfoto pictures of 16 July, 30 July, 1 August, and, lastly, 5 August, tell the story of her final days, which I won’t retype here because thinking about those days still brings a tear to my eyes.

The day she died I changed my facebook and twitter profile pictures to a picture of her. I haven’t changed them back since. We had a “memorial meal” for her when her ashes arrived from the pet crematorium.

The reason I’m publishing this post today is that this is the first 1 February without her since we had her. A year ago we celebrated her 16th birthday and I blipped her peacefully asleep. She had tuna for her birthday celebrations, which she loved!

I tried to write this post shortly after she died, but couldn’t, as I was too emotional. I’m not sure it’s the most coherent piece of writing even now, but I wanted to remember her, 17 years after she was born. We remember her with great fondness, and keep her ashes by our bed. She had a long and happy life, and I’m so glad we shared so much of it with her!

Happy Birthday Bean – you may be gone, but you’ll never be forgotten.

1 February 1994 – 5 August 2010

Saturday, 8 January 2011

On Eating Elephants

You all know the old joke, yes? The one about how you eat an elephant? Yes, we know, ONE SPOONFUL AT A TIME!

I’m not sure whether it’s even a joke, or even particularly funny. I’ve certainly never, to my knowledge, tasted elephant meat – I imagine some parts of the elephant would be a tad on the chewy side and might need to be simmered for a week or so to make them edible, and while I have no particular ideological opposition to eating elephant meat, it’s not something I shall seek out when our butcher does such a delicious piece of lamb!

However, the general principle of “one spoonful at a time” is something I’m very much applying to my life at the moment.

Those of you who have followed this blog or are friends with me on facebook, look at my blipfoto posts, or follow me on twitter will be aware that the last couple of years have been rather tempestuous ones in my life. Although, come to think of it, it has been longer, even, than the past couple of years. Pre-marriage I was a nervous wreck sitting in a beautifully perfectly clean flat, on my own, feeling dreadful. Just post-marriage people started to die, and we seemed to spend all our time viewing dead bodies and going to funerals, then we went through the whole infertility thing as we discovered we couldn’t have children, we’ve skirted bankruptcy, dealt with redundancy, and finally settled into some sort of uneasy stability with a family of five cats!

The stability has been uneasy because, for so many years, we’ve been “papering over the cracks” rather than building a sustainable life pattern. I’ve gradually taken “easier” and “easier” jobs, rather than actually thinking about what I actually want to do with my life, and we’ve travelled all round Europe, or comfort-eaten or done whatever was simplest at the time just to get through it or hide away from our problems.

The last two years have brought things to a head though. In early 2009 I started to suffer with depression again quite badly and was unable to work, unable to study, unable to practice, or really do anything very much. I sought solace in the internet, spending hours on twitter and facebook, neglecting real life because it was “too difficult” and retreating into a world where I felt safe. By late 2009, my depression had cycled to mania – I was convinced I’d found the “best friend” I’d been looking for all my life, I became obsessed with him and he did with me, we met a couple of times, and life was rosy, very very rosy, or so I thought.

As it turned out, this was just another “papering over the cracks” exercise. While I spent all night up, chatting to my new best friend on the internet, the Wonderspouse begged me to come to bed. I swore I wasn’t tired (I wasn’t). I became convinced that this new friend was the answer to all my problems, and that, in turn, I could solve all his problems – looking back now, classic symptoms of mania!

Then, at the end of January 2010, my new “best friend” dropped me like a stone. He no longer wanted to meet, he was going to go off, make himself ill and then die. No matter what I offered him or what I tried to do for him, he rejected me. He never gave a reason. I plunged into deep depression, and by the start of February was suicidally depressed. I talked of putting my head in the oven and such things – the Wonderspouse pointed out that it was an electric oven and the only result would be that my hair would get singed!

At that point I knew that the way I was doing things wasn’t working, so I started to listen to others. I started to take a more positive attitude to the Community Mental Health Team, to which I had been referred. I agreed to take the medication prescribed by my psychiatrist, and I began, slowly, to return to “normal” (whatever “normal” means, for someone who has swung between extremes of mood for the last 15 years or so – and probably longer, if I’m honest).

So, to cut a long, and potentially boring, story, short, in 2010 I took my medication dutifully, did all the exercises I was set (no matter how silly they seemed), finally cut off my maths studies and stopped asking for extensions, left my job, and returned my mind, as well as my body, to the Wonderspouse.

So now I’m at the start of a new year. I have many many things to do if I am to rebuild the life that almost came to an end (again) last February. And this time, I am taking charge of things, thinking about what will be sustainable and realistic, and what will allow me to make the best of life from now on. I’m also continuing to work with those who really care about my welfare: my GP, my psychiatrist, my community psychiatric nurse, my trainer at the gym, the lady who is helping me with employment, and, of course, the Wonderspouse. I’m also learning that some of the friends I’ve made online ARE genuine and just like their online personas in real life, even if some are not, and that I have a choice which ones to be friends with, and to whom I should listen.

So, having razed a huge chunk of my life to the ground, I’m now on a rebuilding exercise. 2011 is as good a year to do it as any – this year I’ll be 40, so maybe, just maybe, for me life really will begin (again) at 40! When I look at the list of things I need to do, it’s distinctly daunting – I need to find a new job (and fairly quickly before the finances collapse again), I need to sort out the chaos that is our house, I’d really like to complete my maths degree course, I’m want to start serious practice on viola, piano and flumpophone again, I have a great pile of books I’d like to read, and I’d really really like to shed the 4 stone I put on in 2010 as well as losing 1 extra, which will take me to my desired weight of 11 stone!

There is, of course, more than this, but I don’t want to bore you. What I shall say, however, is that I reread John Bird’s How to Change Your Life in 7 Steps last night. It’s one of the best books ever written, and offers extremely practical advice that I am starting to implement. The first chapter is about doing things gradually, 3% at a time, the idea being that 3% of your goal is an achieveable target – if you try to do everything at once, you’ll fail because the whole is too big and intimidating. I’m trying to tie this in from what I remember about target-setting at school in my teaching days – targets had to be SMART – and I’m particularly thinking about setting attainable targets with time limits.

I’m also looking harder than I have for a long time at what I actually WANT to do with my life. The final realization that I am not going to achieve life satisfaction through motherhood (yes, yes, I know, never give up etc etc etc, but I can’t live my life on the basis of something that has such a small chance of happening just because somebody’s neighbour’s dog’s girlfriend’s owner’s cousin happened to have a kid when they were 45 or whatever), means that I have to decide what I AM going to do with however many years I have remaining on this planet. I’m not religious, and believe that once I’m dead that’s it, so it’s time to ask what I want from life and to make plans and set goals that will help me to succeed at executing those plans.

And so, I am faced, now, with a roomful of elephants! And, the joke/saying I started this post with is going to help me eat them. I have made a list of things I hope to be, to have achieved, to be able to do, etc etc. by the time of my 45th birthday! These are the elephants. I am now chopping the elephants up into smaller and smaller pieces – looking at what I’d like to achieve by the end of 2011, and by the end of January 2011, and by the end of this week. Of course, there’ll be bits, like the tusks, that prove to be inedible – there will be things still to do when I’m 45 since I don’t imagine I shall cease to have goals in my life, whatever age I am. There may well be new elephants that enter the room too, and need dealing with.

But, for now, I’m starting on the life rebuild. I’m trying to do what I need to to stay sane, to have a fulfilling life, and to make some sort of sensible contribution to the world. I don’t fully know what the result of it will be, or what all the goals along the way will be – I’m still working on all this, and my thoughts certainly aren’t crystallized enough to form a more specific blog post at this stage. I do know, however, that if I DON’T try, then I have almost no chance of succeeding. If I DO try, there’s a good chance I might well succeed in many of my objectives (something the Wonderspouse is very fond of telling me).

Whatever the eventual outcome is, I know that the way to make progress with my goals is to tackle them one spoonful at a time!