On Facebook Tagging

It happens from time to time, I get “tagged” in a “note” and invited to answer various questions and so on and then to “tag” my friends and ask them to answer the same questions. I don’t mind being “tagged” at all, but I’m always nervous about “tagging” anyone else in case I upset them.

So, since I’m me, and I sometimes do things a bit differently from usual, I thought I’d turn my answers from my three most recent “taggings” into a blog post. That way, if you’re interested you can read it, if not, then you needn’t. If you wish to play the facebook game, then you can always do the pasting and notes bit, but this way I don’t have to “tag” you, just in case you don’t want to be “tagged”!

1. What time did you get up this morning?
6.00 a.m.

2. How do you like your steak?
Mooing!

3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema?
The first few minutes of a Harry Potter (about 6 years ago). We had to leave though because I had a panic attack. I’m not fond of the cinema.

4. What is your favorite TV show?
Too many to list – I love the TV and watch loads and loads. I adore science documentaries, anything with David Attenborough, anything about weather, entertainment shows like Dr Who & Strictly Come Dancing, The Mighty Boosh, Eastenders, Ice Road Truckers, televised Proms and so on and so on and so on…

5. If you could live anywhere in the world, where would it be?
House in London suburbs, flat in central London, villa in Menton, riad in Marrakesh. These residences would be used at different times of the year depending upon weather!

6. What did you have for breakfast?
Cup of tea, caramel crunchy nut chewy cereal things, glass of smoothie, tin of Ambrosia custard!

7. What is your favourite cuisine?
Lots of them: the Wonderspouse’s cooking, French, Chinese takeaway, Curry etc. etc. etc.

8. What foods do you dislike?
Tomatoes. YUK!!!! Not really a fruit eater generally, wouldn’t get excited about celery.

9. Favourite Place to Eat?
Lots of them, including: The Waterside Inn, Restaurant at the Sofitel St James in London, room service at the Regent Esplanade hotel in Zagreb, Chef’s Cottage Chinese Takeaway, Pelmeni XL in Riga, my sofa at home!

10. Favorite dressing?
Olive oil & balsamic vinegar.

11. What kind of vehicle do you drive?
Suzuki Wagon R+

12. What are your favourite clothes?
Shorts, t-shirt, sandals. Swimming costume. Old fleeces for cold weather.

13. Where would you visit if you had the chance?
Almost anywhere – I’ve only been out of Europe twice & would like to see the rest of the world.

14. Cup 1/2 empty or 1/2 full?
Given to the Wonderspouse for a refill!

15. Where would you want to retire?
Retire? Hmmm? Wasn’t really planning on retirement because that means I need a pension and I haven’t got one!

16. Favorite time of day?
Evening time – in that space between not being exhausted in the afternoon and not falling asleep yet because it’s bedtime!

17. Where were you born?
Sacriston, County Durham

18. What is your favourite sport to watch?
F1, golf, swimming, athletics, gymnastics, diving, rowing, most winter Olympic sports.

19. Who do you think will not tag you back?
Can’t imagine anyone will tag me back. In fact, I’ll be surprised if anyone’s still reading by this stage!

20. Person you expect to tag you back first?
Nobody.

21. Who are you most curious about their responses to this?
Curious to see whether there is any response at all!

22. Bird watcher?
Absolutely – fascinating to watch how expertly our cats can tear them apart and get the tastiest bits to eat! Also great to see the weekend duck or Christmas goose crisping up in the oven!

23. Are you a morning person or a night person?
I am a lady of the night! ;-)

24. Pets?
Five cats!

25. Any new and exciting news that you'd like to share?
I want to have pet rats for my next birthday. Just trying to work out how we can fit them in with the cats!

26. What did you want to be when you were little?
An astronaut or a clarinetist!

27. What is your best childhood memory?
Holidays with my Granny.

28. Are you a cat or dog person?
Cat (but not averse to dogs either)

29. Are you married?
Very

30. Always wear your seat belt?
Yes, absolutely.

31. Been in a car accident?
Yes, several. Last one was when a deer ripped the side off the car. Cost a packet to fix & insurance went up. My plea: everybody eat more venison!

32. Any pet peeves?
Chewing gum, people eating with their mouths open. People who don’t THINK!

33. Favourite pizza topping?
Prawns, tuna, meat!

34. Favourite Flower?
Erm, not sure I have one. Passion flower maybe?

35. Favourite ice cream?
Something really creamy with caramel & white chocolate & maltesers & stuff in it!

36. Favourite fast food restaurant?
Lots of them: fish & chips, McDonalds, Subway etc. etc. etc.

37. How many times did you fail your driver's test?
Once – reversing round the corner! Passed second time!

38. From whom did you get your last email?
WHSmith – something about deals on greetings cards.

39. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card?
Musical instrument shop, HMV, Blackwells, somewhere that sells Airfix model kits.

40. Do anything spontaneous lately?
Turned these questions into a blog post!

41. Like your job?
I don’t have one!

42. Broccoli? Cauliflower?
Both! And crinkly cabbage. The best veg look like trees!

43. What was your favourite vacation?
Lots of them. Marrakesh with the Wonderspouse. Iceland – blue lagoon & aurora. France – many times. Zagreb – several times.

44. Last person you went out to dinner with?
Lunch with Parents & Wonderspouse. Can’t remember dinner – was too long ago.

45. What are you listening to right now?
Satie – piano music – Gnossiennes, Gymnopedies etc.

46. What is your favorite colour?
Red, purple, blue.

47. How many tattoos do you have?
None – keep thinking about it though!

48. Favourite drink?
Tea, wine, beer, whisky.

49. How many children do you have?
None, sadly.

50. Last good book you read?
Lee Child – 61 Hours

***
So, that was the first thing I was “tagged” in. The second asked me to list 15 fictional characters who have influenced me, which I find rather more difficult – I don’t really read a lot of fiction, and what I do read doesn’t generally influence me much. Anyway, here goes!

Winnie the Pooh – A.A. Milne

Kinsey Millhone – Sue Grafton

Dirk Gently – Douglas Adams

Inspector Morse – Colin Dexter

Jack Reacher – Lee Child

Nicole des Jardins – Arthur C. Clarke

Gustav von Aschenbach – Benjamin Britten / Thomas Mann

Leonora – Ludwig Van Beethoven

Francis – from Felidae

Aleksandr Orlov – from A Simples Life

Jack Hall – from The Day After Tomorrow

Vince Noir – from The Mighty Boosh

I know that’s only twelve, but I really can’t think of any more! Pretty hopeless really! I keep thinking of influential people, but they all turn out to be real!

***

The third thing I’ve been “tagged” in is a music-related thing where, apparently, I’m supposed to go into “shuffle” mode on my MP3 player or computer and write down the first 15 songs that appear.

Since I hardly ever listen to music on my computer, use Spotify only very very occasionally to look up things, and my MP3s are sorted tidily into different genres on different sticks in different places, I wasn’t going to find it easy. I don’t think my MP3 player even HAS a “shuffle” mode, and I haven’t actually got round to putting much music onto my iPhone yet.

So the best I can do is to list the CDs that are currently on my desk, starting at the top of the pile and working down. Either that, or tip the CD shelves over and pick 15 at random, but since I don’t have time to pick them all up again I’m not going to do that!

1. Satie – Piano Works, Gymnopedies, Gnossiennes etc.

2. Dire Straits – Brothers in Arms

3. Handel – Zadok the Priest and various arias etc.

4. Bach – Musical Offering

5. The Velvet Underground – White Heat / White Light

6. Kasabian – Kasabian

7. Shostakovich – Viola & Violin Sonatas

8. Feldman – The Viola In My Life

9. Mendelssohn – Elijah

10. Schubert – Symphony No.9

11. Beethoven – Violin Concerto

12. The Beautiful South – Blue Is The Colour

13. Britten – Death In Venice

14. Beethoven – Complete Symphonies

15. Bach – Christmas Oratorio

So there you are! A random blog post if there ever was one!

On Loving Winter

Those of you who know me well, and even those of you who know me just a little bit, will already be wondering which alien disease has entered my mind and altered my personality, since it’s pretty well-known throughout this universe that I am not a lover of winter. I like my days long, hot and sunny, I adore wearing t-shirts, shorts and sandals, I like letting outdoor air into the house and driving with windows down and the wind in my hair and I LOVE lying out in the sunshine with a good book and a cool beer!

However, these last two mornings I have discovered that there is SOMETHING I like about winter, so I set myself a little challenge (of which more in a moment). However, before I give you the results of this challenge, please permit me just a little rant – after all, my toes are cold, and I’m terribly bad-tempered when I have cold toes!

First off, there is the cold. I do not react well to cold. I have poor circulation, inherited from my mother, who also doesn’t like the cold, and my toes and fingers cool down very very quickly and take ages to warm up. Furthermore, my dry skin is extremely sensitive to chapping, and my legs quite simply start to fall to bits when it’s cold. So I have to bathe in oil and put lotion all over my legs several times a day, which means everything is greasy and never quite feels clean – the alternative is a horrid stinging pain.

Then there are the clothes – lots and lots of them, constraining movement, preventing air getting to my skin, which then sweats and stings even more. If I wear enough outdoors to keep warm then the minute I enter a shop I’m drenched with sweat and feel as though I might faint. It takes me ages to get dressed in the morning, trying to wash all the heavy clothes and get them dry again is a nightmare, and, when I’m all wrapped up I feel gigantic, clumsy and tense.

Along with the cold, it is also dark. I suffer from Seasonal Affective Disorder, which means that the darkness causes depressive symptoms in me. This means that I have to spend money on lightboxes and sit still in front of them for up to 90 minutes a day just to get enough “sunlight” to feel OK. I’d love to go walking outside, but cannot always do so, partly because of the damage the cold does to my skin, and partly because of the awful weather.

So we come to snow! As those of a soppy romantic disposition think of winter wonderlands and say how pretty it all is, I dread it. Once we can no longer get the car out of the drive I am effectively housebound. One year I did manage to trudge the 2.5 miles into town to try to get some milk only to discover there was none available – after a 2.5 mile trudge home through 18 inches of snow I could barely walk for 2 days. I am simply not fit enough for that sort of exercise. I also miss my daily walks outdoors which are an essential part of staying fit and healthy for me, and as for my favourite exercise – swimming in the outdoor pool – it just isn’t possible because the pool is closed for winter.

The snow wouldn’t be so bad if we didn’t have to go to work. Because we are very junior workers with dayjobs we are paid by the time we spend at work, not by the work we actually do. This means that when we are in the office we get paid, when we are not, we don’t. So, in addition to spending shedloads of money on heating oil to keep the house warm, we are also in danger of losing it if we run out of annual leave days because of the snow. We cannot walk to work – I cannot walk 50 miles in a day on the flat in fine weather – doing it on hilly terrain in the snow is impossible. We’d love to live in town, but the rents are prohibitive.

Don’t get me wrong about the fluffy white stuff in general, I enjoy snow perfectly well when I’m in Finland and the place is equipped for snowy weather – cars have studded tyres, pavements are all gritted, trains run fine down to -35 celsius, and life continues without a problem. I don’t even particularly mind driving in the snow – I drove in Bulgaria in very deep snow without special tyres even and quite enjoyed the challenge. What I really hate is the disruption – having to miss out on enjoyable events I’ve been planning and looking forward to, being uncertain about getting to appointments, concerts and so on, and being stuck in a stuffy house for days on end. Where we live is hilly – no matter of care can prevent one sliding down an ungritted hill.

And, of course, there’s Christmas, with all its associated schmaltz and palaver about children and babies. For those of us unable to have children it’s one of the most painful times of year. I simply don’t understand the mania of Christmas and the parcels thing and why it suddenly becomes essential to visit relatives who you don’t see the rest of the year just as the roads are terrible and driving conditions are at their worst. Furthermore, my mother always tries to be desperately “organized” about Christmas and starts ringing me up around mid-August asking what I’m buying for whom and so on – it’s all meaningless to me – I’m a typical “go to the offy and get everyone a bottle of wine on Christmas Eve” sort of person!

Then there’s the simple practical business of airing the house - with 5 cats all using litter trays we often can’t keep up with their doings. We go out and return to more litter to scoop, more furballs (which would be left harmlessly outside) to clean off the furniture. Furthermore, it’s too cold to open windows, so the only way to make the house smell halfway decent is to use chemical air fresheners. And just to add to the morning dressing routine, there’s also the “mopping up condensation” thing to do by the windows, which I have to tape up because they are so draughty.

***

So, there’s the rant! As you will now have gathered, there’s plenty to grouch about and I could go on all day about it, but now, as promised earlier, here are the results of the challenge I set myself this morning.

It happened as I was tucking into my porridge! Yes, porridge, that warm, tasty oaty delight that I never seem to eat in summer, but enjoy in considerable quantities during the winter months. I decided that it was the ONE reason I DID like winter, and then wondered whether, just maybe, I could think of TEN things I liked about this most frozzling of seasons! I managed it, just, after a bit of head-scratching, so here they are!

ONE – PORRIDGE

Well, it was a bowl of porridge that inspired this whole blog post! I love the milky creaminess of it (yes, I’m a soft Englishwoman, so I have it with milk and golden syrup). I love the way the syrup blends with it, making that sweet goopiness that literally melts in the mouth. I love the warming effect it has, and the way that I feel happy and satisfied by it for most of the morning. Delicious.

Related to porridge, I also enjoy a hot drink in bed at nighttimes during the winter – hot milk with a generous slug of whisky is utterly delicious when snuggled up under the duvet on a cold evening. A spoonful of Horlicks added to the mix is also wonderful.

TWO – CHOCOLATE

Although I can take or leave most of the Christmas junk that the shops tell us is essential for our “perfect” Christmas, I love it when the cut-price chocolate oranges and so on start appearing on the shelves. When the weather is freezing I abandon my attempts to get seriously healthy (as mentioned above, exercise is difficult enough that I don’t usually manage it anyway) and give in to the cravings – at the moment I’m enjoying a daily Pot Noodle, which is very warming!

I’m also quite keen on pandoros and pannetones and other seasonal delights. Saving the marzipan bit in the middle of the Stollen until last always gives me a slight tingle of pleasure, and the availability of dates, nuts and other tasty snacks is also enjoyed. Furthermore, the “chocolate advent calendar” is a regular fixture in my life – I was never allowed one as a kid, so indulge happily now, eating my daily chocolate whenever I like – even at breakfast time if I feel like it! It’s only a matter of time this year before I succumb to a large tub of chocolates and a whole load of cakes and things. Yummy!

THREE – GOOSE

The Wonderspouse and I have goose for Christmas. If we are on relative duty then we have it on the 26th or nearest available day. If, like this year, we are lucky enough to have the day itself at home, we have it that day. It comes from our wonderful local butcher, and “getting the goose” is a big deal in our household. The Wonderspouse also makes me fresh Eggs Benedict for Christmas breakfast, and I drink sherry, wine and whisky all day, which is very pleasurable.

Furthermore, there are other seasonal wonders around – giant pieces of Stilton, whole Salmons (we bought a fish kettle specially – nothing so wonderful as fresh cooked salmon), and, for me, sausagemeat and chestnut stuffing – the Wonderspouse doesn’t bother about it, but roasts chestnuts specially for me on Christmas morning! We never get each other parcels – I’d far rather he roasted chestnuts for me than bought me a pressie any day.

Linked to this is another meal that happens just before Christmas, with my friend Scharwenka. For around 15 years now we’ve been having pheasant dinner with trimmings and exchanged many (small and often silly) Christmas parcels a few days before Christmas. We also succumb to the silliness of the season for just a few hours and listen to Hely-Hutchinson’s Carol Symphony as well as some rather better music!

FOUR – CHRISTMAS ORATORIO

OK, so I admit it, there IS Christmas music that I like. The absolute top of all these pieces is Christmas Oratorio, which I first grew to love in my Upper Sixth form at school. My then boyfriend, a Welsh baritone, organist and impresario, got me into it. I listened to it on my (cassette) walkman on all the train journeys to my university interviews, and know it well. I’ve also sung in it with the Oxford Bach Choir, and played numerous excerpts in various Christmas concerts. I love it, and it will be coming to the desert island with me!

As I mentioned above, I also have occasional moments with other Christmas music. I watch the “Nine Lessons and Carols”, even though the Cambridge descants are not the ones I really know and love, and even though the religion is irrelevant to me these days, and I listen through my Christmas tapes a few times. The other “good” Christmas music I like is “L’adieu des bergers” from Berlioz’s “L’enfance du Christ”, Liszt’s “Weihnachtsbaum” and Schoenberg’s version of “Es ist ein Ros entsprungen” (Weinachtsmusik). I also enjoy a few of the carols I used to sing at school, although sometimes they do make me sad because I’m no longer part of that sort of life any more.

FIVE – FAIRY LIGHTS

Yes, and I do like fairy lights. I like the lit up trees I see when I’m driving around in winter. I like seeing gaudy illuminations, Menorahs and Hannuka candles, and I quite like a German market serving tasty Wurst and hot Gluhwein in a town square.

I’m actually quite keen on lighting in general – lamps, bulbs and so on are rather jolly – I love watching my lava lamp and plasma lamp doing their thing and I like getting the house as light as possible. I’m also not averse to a bit of candle pyromania – I’m that naughty person who sticks things into candles and likes to sculpt the wax round the edge with a pencil while the candle is still burning and the wax is still soft and warm.

SIX – HATS

These are the one item of clothing that I don’t mind wearing during winter! I like hats – jolly hats, crazy hats, warm and snuggly hats! It helps that I’m not the slightest bit fussy about my hair do – it does what it does – so the “hat hair” thing doesn’t really apply to me. I like the feel of warm fleece around my ears (and, come to that, around my neck – I’m not unfond of scarves either).

I own quite a selection of winter hats and I love the way they keep me warm without undue encumbrance. I’m also quite partial to socks for a similar reason – I like them warm and stripey and comforting. I’ve also recently (yesterday) invested in a pair of fluffy footwarmers which can be warmed in the microwave – I think they’re going to become one of the wonders of winter, as my “hot cow” and “warm Bagpuss” already are.

SEVEN – NO GARDENING

I’m not really an outdoor gardener, and during summer the lawn grows like crazy. If I was rich enough to employ any sort of domestic help then the one person I would hire would be a gardener. Mowing the lawn is one of those chores that neither the Wonderspouse nor I excel at! Furthermore, just as we’ve psyched ourselves up to deal with the mower (which broke half way through the last mow of last summer), then it rains, and the whole enterprise has to be restarted.

We’re no good with vegetables either. People always say that veg you’ve grown yourself tastes more delicious – I can tell you that this is not true. We grew some, picked them, and ate a forkful each. They were truly revolting, so we chucked them in the bin and went to Sainsbury’s instead – in our world vegetable growing is best left to the professionals!

At least in winter the lawn doesn’t grow, the weeds stop their onslaught, and it’s too cold to deal with whatever horrors are going on in the garage – tidying it and dealing with the mess can wait until the spring.

EIGHT – NEIGHBOURLINESS

One of the features of adversity is that, although it can cause problems, rifts and tensions, it can also mean that people cooperate more. Clearing the snow from a communal driveway can mean that we get to know our neighbours better. People help each other to achieve a common goal, and we often see a kind side to people who usually remain unknown and hidden in their houses.

Being outside clearing snow also brings us into contact with neighbours we wouldn’t otherwise see and gives us something to talk about with them. Furthermore, when the first person out in the morning returns from the bus stop or town or wherever, they bring back a report on road conditions, which helps with planning. One of our neighbours has kids at the local school and lets us know when it is closed, and we also support each other and back each other up when less-than-sympathetic employers insist that it is possible to travel when it isn’t.

On a larger scale, I enjoy the UK snow map on the interwebs, which is of real help, and gives good, real time information. It’s another example of people doing something that helps others, and is another of those little winter gems!

NINE – THE NEWS

OK, I admit it, I love it when the news is about weather! I derive pleasure from seeing what is going on at airports (which I’m interested in anyway, snow or no snow), and I’m fascinated by the differences in snowfall in different parts of the country.

It’s not even that I’m just “rubbernecking” snow disasters, I’m actually genuinely interested in weather, and am also interested in temperatures, statistics, hottest, coldest, windiest, weather and so on. The News often spends so much time discussing politics, showbiz, celebrities, sport, money, health, education and so on – it’s not that I’m not interested in these things to SOME extent, but I’m not fascinated by them in the way that I am about the weather. When the news presents me with information about concerts, music, scientific achievements and so on I’m interested because these are interests of mine anyway – the same applies to the weather. I also enjoy seeing people helping their neighbours, as I’ve already described above.

TEN – NEW YEAR

I like it when a new year starts. I like sitting down in the last days of December with the Wonderspouse while we make goals and objectives for the year ahead. I’ve nearly always been able to spend New Year itself alone or at home with the Wonderspouse, and the one time in recent years I’ve spent it with family it was truly magical – Mum took us to Iceland, where we bathed in the Blue Lagoon and watched a spectacular Aurora Borealis show on New Year’s day!

For me, it’s a great time to review projects in progress and to come up with exciting ideas for the future. I also like getting new calendars – all clean and shiny, with lovely pictures to look at – and carefully writing in birthdays, holidays, things we have booked and so on. It’s a time to make a new start. We don’t do “resolutions” as such, but set ourselves targets for the coming months.

I love the idea of leaving behind the bad things that have happened in the old year, and greeting the new year with hope and optimism. This will be particularly true for me this year after a couple of very turbulent years – 2011 is scheduled to be the year I start a new career and have a significant birthday! Hopefully it’ll be a good one!

And, of course, with the coming of the new year, there is also hope that the winter will end, the ice and snow will thaw, the trees will grow nice new green shiny leaves, and eventually, if I’m very lucky, it’ll get warm enough to sit in the garden with a book and a cold beer!

***

So, I managed it! And here’s my challenge for something for you lovely readers to do if you’re stranded by the snow and bored out of your minds – if you’re a winter hater like me, why not think of, say, 5 things you love about winter, and if you’re a winter lover, why not try to think of 5 things you hate about it! I’ve found it an interesting exercise. I’ll eagerly await comments to see what others love & hate about this chilly season!

Now I’m off to microwave my special socks in an attempt to thaw my toes!

On Not Writing

The Wonderspouse is a writer. Although he doesn’t (yet) make enough money from writing to keep me in the style to which I’m sure I could become accustomed, and therefore also has a day job, he does call himself a writer.

As a result of his writing activities, I often find myself surrounded by writers, both in the flesh and on the internet. I am quite often asked what sort of thing I write, and I explain that I’m not a writer, I’m a musician and maths student, and, like the Wonderspouse, I make ends meet with a succession of random day jobs.

The Wonderspouse then points out that I’m the one with a commercially published book, that I’ve also been known to produce a pome from time to time, that I write daily on my blipfoto journal and that I have a blog (er, this one!). However, as I point out, I haven’t actually MADE UP any writing since I did my O-levels at the age of 15!

Even then, I was not expected to succeed with words. My mother promised me a reward for my O-levels if I got 6 A grades out of the 8 subjects I was taking – it was taken as read that I wouldn’t get top grades for either English Language or English Literature. I’m still convinced that the fact I did actually get A grades for those subjects was the result of a mix-up at the exam board!

Then I went into science and, ultimately, music. Of course, I did a lot of writing as part of my degree, but all of it factual, with zillions of references, and in the particular style that academic writing demands. I wrote essays about Mendelssohn, Scriabin and so on, and edited a 60,000 word monograph by Hans Keller for my special project, but I didn’t actually create anything new.

I’m not even a particularly well-read sort of person where literature is concerned. I read a lot of books and I frequently have around ten different ones on the go at the same time, but many of them are factual books – I love reading about history, science, warfare and so on. I also read a lot of biographies, and when I do stray into fiction it’s usually the sort of “throwaway” detective novel that most people would buy at an airport and leave in the hotel room at the end of the holiday.

In short, I am not a writer, I have almost no background in literature, and I haven’t made up a story for very very many years. So, you ask, what’s this blog post actually about then?

It’s about a thing called NaNoWriMo, which I saw on twitter hashtags quite a lot around this time last year and which has started appearing again. At first I assumed it was about something rather small, and for a long time I thought the “No” bit was short for November. It always seemed to be something that writers were interested in, and, since I’m not a writer, I always ignored it.

This year things have changed. I finally asked the Wonderspouse what on earth the whole business was about and he explained patiently to me what it was. It actually stands for National Novel Writing Month and the idea is that those taking part, er, write a novel in a month! Kind of obvious when you think about it!

Coincidentally, the start of this year’s NaNoWriMo coincides with the start of my own new beginning. I left my last random day job a few months ago and am currently “between jobs” while completing my recovery from my last major episode of depression. I’m not quite up to going back to work yet, but I’m no longer so ill that all I can do is lie on the sofa and sleep.

So it’s time I started doing some more constructive things again. Obviously, I am returning to daily viola practice as well as playing the piano and flumpophone on a regular basis. I’ve also registered for next year’s Open University maths courses and today I shall do my first serious session of study since I got ill. There are also jobs to be done round the house and I’m also going back to serious exercise and trying to eat less food too. If I can’t manage these things at home, there’s no way I’ll have the stamina to survive a day in the workplace when I find a new job.

But on top of returning to the old things, it’s rather nice to have something shiny and new. So I’m going to give this NaNoWriMo a go! I believe the goal is to produce a 50,000 word novel by the end of November – the concept of having to write MORE words feels rather alien to me since all the writing I’ve done in my adult life has been about saying what I want to say in FEWER words. Of course, we all know that to produce a 50,000 word book we should write three times that many and then keep every third word (or something like that)! If we took that instruction literally some very strange books could be created – unless the first draft was EXTREMELY clever!

Anyway, it’s time to start. I can’t imagine what I write will be any good whatsoever, but it gives me a challenge and maybe it’ll be a bit of fun along the way. All my ideas so far are extremely mundane or extremely crazy. I suspect the end result will be rather bizarre! However, the Wonderspouse tells me it doesn’t matter since it’s fiction it doesn’t have to be true and I don’t have to reference everything I write! Furthermore, since I’m not actually a writer, and am not really “writing”, just giving a new project a go, there shouldn’t be any pressure!

If you’re also attempting to write a novel this month, then do feel free to “buddy” me on the NaNoWriMo site – since I don’t have enough imagination to think of another username, I’m known as ViolaMaths on there too!

Off we go!

On Many Thanks

Just when it seemed as if this blog had been abandoned completely, I’M BACK! I hope the shock of it isn’t too much for anybody!

I’ve just had a read through my blog posts from earlier this year, and the comments that have been made, and I’m struck by how much things have moved on since I wrote those posts. I thought I might fill you in, briefly, on the developments in my life since the beginning of the year.

After my failed attempt to return to work in March (see last post), it became obvious how ill I’d become. I am now under the care of my GP, a good Psychiatrist and Community Psychiatric Nurse (CPN), and, recently, an exercise trainer at the local gym. Interestingly, when I opened the bag containing my gym kit last week, a quick look at receipts confirmed that I had not been to the gym since last March, which was about the time I started to get ill again.

At the beginning of February this year I was as low as I’ve been for around 8 years, almost suicidally low. In fact, in the last few weeks, the Wonderspouse and I have observed that I seem to have a major depressive episode about once every 4 years – the pattern is startlingly accurate!

This episode has, as has always happened previously, cost me my job. I simply cannot return to work within any reasonable time-frame, and the pressure of having to do so has been making me much worse. Therefore, I am to embark upon a new phase of life with regards to employment. I don’t yet know what I shall do – maybe I’ll blog about it as the process unfolds! In the meantime, if you know of anyone who would pay me a handsome wage to, say, taste chocolate, then do let me know! ;-)

However, I am, eventually, fighting back against the depression! I am determined that I will not let it beat me. I am once again on medication (Venlafaxine and Quetiapine, if you’re interested in that kind of thing), but have realised that the medication can only be part of the story. I’m also working with my CPN on strategies to prevent me getting ill again (and learning that fighting against what the medics tell me is detrimental to me, so, no matter how much I feel that the exercises I have to do are “silly” I should do them and take them seriously) and I’ve started gym sessions (referred at a cut-price by my GP).

I’m also starting to build my own REAL life again from the ground upwards. I am practicing my viola again – although it will take a while to get back to a reasonable standard, I’ll keep going. I’ve also recently bought a tuba (or flumpophone as I prefer to call him) and have started practicing that too, which is giving me great pleasure. I’ve had to defer the exam from last year’s maths course again, which means I shall take it in October this year, and I’ve also had to negotiate long long extensions to the first assignments of this year’s course. It’s still not clear whether I shall be able to meet those deadlines or whether I shall have to withdraw from the course this year and reregister again next year, but I’ll try to complete the work this year if I can.

Furthermore, I’m going to concerts again, managing to keep up with the housework a bit better, painting my fingernails again, and finally starting to work my way through jobs lists that have been sitting around for months. I’m also, slowly, getting back to reading books – I was completely unable to read when I was ill, and am gradually building up, a few pages at a time while my ability to concentrate increases and the “noise” in my head slowly subsides. This afternoon I’ve also opened my knitting bag and started to knit a few rows, and I’ve also sorted out all my model-making things and origami books in my study, so that I can start doing some creative enjoyable craft-type things too.

My online life has also changed. With the increase in viola practice, flumpophone practice, maths, exercise, housework and so on, has come a decrease in the amount of time available to sit chatting on twitter, commenting on every single blipfoto, or playing games on facebook. Last autumn, the internet world WAS my world, but I’ve had to alter that to protect my mental health – in particular, the fact that sitting on the internet for hours on end involves sitting still at a desk means that I cannot afford to do too much of it – exercise is so crucial in successful treatment of depression.

Exercise will also help me to combat the dopey feelings and headaches caused by the medication and to lose the 2 stone that I’ve put on in the last few months. I’ve had to buy bigger trousers again and I have lost quite a bit of fitness. In order to remedy those things I need to work hard – walking outside, doing yoga, going to the gym, hopefully going swimming again, and also stopping the snacks that have become a habitual part of life as well as simply eating smaller portions again.

So, that about brings you up to date. Rather surprisingly, I HAVE managed to keep posting a picture on blipfoto each day (my CPN told me she considers this a considerable achievement) and the Ears blog is up-to-date although a bit thin on the ground – sorting out my listening is still “in progress”, as is much of my life.

One of the other reasons I wanted to write this post is to say “Thank You”. Reading the comments on my previous posts will give you just a flavour of the support I’ve received. With just a very few exceptions, people here and on twitter, facebook and blipfoto have been fabulous and wonderfully supportive. Thank you, all of you.

I’ve also received many messages of support, and empathy from people. I’m so sorry I haven’t yet responded to these messages – I fully intend to do so, although it may take a little while. I have over 200 messages on my e-mails and in my facebook inbox that need attention – and these are 200 proper messages since I delete spam and file general messages as I go along. I’m afraid I’ve also neglected commenting on blogs shamefully, and not yet formally acknowledged 2 people who gave me “beautiful blogger” awards on their own blogs (you are not forgotten, I am very grateful, I shall get there).

So, thank you everyone for your support. I really do appreciate it. Also, to all of you who have written to me describing depressive symptoms of your own - thank you for trusting me with your personal stories. As soon as I have the strength I shall try to help you all in whatever way I can. One of the reasons I continue to blog about my illness is in the hope that it will help others to feel slightly less alone.

I’d also like to thank the Wonderspouse. He has continued to work full-time, to write, to organize gigs and readings, to care for the cats, and to keep the house functioning, all while looking after me – accompanying me to psychiatrist appointments and so on. He’s had to cope with tears, tantrums, endless loops of self-pity and self-hatred from me and the constant fear that he’d get home from work and find I’d simply given up. I’m surprised he’s still standing. The man is a marvel.

Anyway, I’ll stop here for now. The old “me” is returning gradually, and I hope, eventually, that I’ll be up to blogging about slightly more interesting things than my mental health as I build a new, and hopefully, exciting life. Maybe this blog will follow that journey! You’re invited along if you want to come!

And thank you again, everyone who has supported me.