On Willpower Failure

The above picture was going to be used for today’s blipfoto post and was going to be given the title “Willpower Failure”, since I don’t use the “On…” format on blipfoto.

However, as usual, I took more than one possible blipfoto, and in today’s “battle to be the blip”, the coffee and muffin picture lost out to the one that I eventually posted here.

The coffee and muffin picture didn’t give up without a fight though, and nagged me to post it SOMEWHERE on the internet and to tell its little story to anyone who might care to read it. Furthermore, my completionist-type OCDishness won’t allow me to miss a month out of posting something on this blog because the archive would look all wrong!

So here’s a story of how my willpower (which I generally regard as fairly strong) crumbled into nothingness this morning. This picture was taken at 8 in the morning. What on EARTH was I doing drinking a latte and eating a triple chocolate muffin at 8 in the morning? How did I come to be in a Costa Coffee when I should have been at work?

It started to go wrong around 3.42 a.m. I think. Since I’ve been taking quetiapine I haven’t been very insomniac, but I did stir early this morning, a sure sign that things were not quite right. But, nevertheless, I got up at the normal time (with difficulty, but what’s new?), got dressed, and got in the car to go to work.

However, by the time I was a few miles down the road it was evident that today was going to be a struggle. By the time we reached the outskirts of town I was praying that the traffic jam would grind to a halt and we could just stay in the car for ever. I managed to get to the place where I usually drop the Wonderspouse off for work and parked up. It was obvious I wasn’t going to make it to the office – the sense of panic was just overwhelming.

So, I turned the other way at the end of the road and headed for home.

There was one thing nagging me, something I’d been planning to do? Oh yes, I had run out of cherry compote and had been intending to go home via Waitrose (the only known source of this delicacy) on the way home.

I thought I might as well go anyway, that way the petrol I’d spent driving to work and then not actually going wouldn’t be totally wasted.

Of course, when I got there, it wasn’t open yet – why would it be at that time of the morning?

It was too cold to walk – at this time of year I have to plan walks outside and put oil on my legs before I go otherwise my hopelessly cold-sensitive skin chaps and cracks and ends up terribly painful.

But Costa was open.

So, even though I’m supposed to be trying to lose the weight that I’m rapidly putting on, I went inside and bought my usual tipple of medium latte and triple chocolate muffin. At 8 o’clock in the morning.

I had failed to get to work. I had failed to stay off the chocolate cake (one of my particular weaknesses in life). Willpower had gone down the drain.

Then I went on a bizarre shopping spree in Waitrose. I got half way round and realised the basket was now too heavy, so then tried to go out of the “in” doors to get a trolley. They didn’t work. So then I abandoned my basket, went out of the “out” doors, collected a trolley, then transferred the stuff from the basket, which I’d just left in the shop on the floor.

I tweeted the Wonderspouse for a shopping list, not all of which I succeeded in finding. I bought a large bread thing because it looked fun. I sniffed lots of the smellies and bought yet another sort of deodorant that may or may not make me itch. I bought parsnips because they “looked nice”. I nearly bought dog food, then remembered we don’t have a dog. I must have been round the shop 20 times (the search for milk alone took some time – my friend Linda guiding me towards it by tweet) before I eventually managed to summon up the courage to queue at the checkout to pay.

Then I came home.

The rest of the day has been a write-off too. I have failed to be a friend by not even noticing something that I should have done about one of my friends, then sent a semi-hysterical e-mail in an unsuccessful attempt to compensate. I refreshed tweetie on the iPhone so much that it locked me out for using up my API or whatever it is. I feel edgy, stressed, and unable to concentrate.

I have failed to do any jobs on my list.

Willpower has run out.

On the plus side, I did a nice blip and I ate real food for lunch – I ripped the end off the large bread thing and dipped it in luxury houmous, then had dates and a cup of tea for pudding, so that’s not too bad.

The Wonderspouse has arrived home and started preparing parsnip soup with the parsnips, which he says will go very well with some more of the large bread thing.

He’s also said he still loves me even though I am rapidly gaining weight and heading towards bankruptcy if I can’t get myself back to work properly soon.

I’ve also, more by accident than design, written a blog post. Not one of the ones I had in mind, and I’ve still failed to deal with comments from the last one.

But at least the archive will look neat and tidy!