On Reviving My Blog

Yesterday morning I sent someone on twitter a link to one of my previous posts on this blog. In order to obtain the link I looked at my poor neglected blog for the first time in many weeks and was rather shocked to discover that I hadn’t posted anything since early December last year.

So I thought it was about time to remedy that situation and to revive my poor ailing blog before it expires completely. I also thought it might be a good opportunity to apologize to you all for the lack of recent posts and to explain that lack.

Those of you who know me well will have noticed that posts have almost dried up since I wrote “On Holes and Ladders” back in October, and will, rightly, have guessed that my mental health has been unsteady again. If you’re interested in that sort of thing, it was discussed in two previous posts: “On The Big One” and “On Being A Bit Bonkers”.

So I’ve been trying to hold things together, trying very hard to get myself back to work (I was off for almost the whole of October and November) and trying to stay medication free.

I haven’t actually succeeded at either of these objectives. Although I went back to work in December, I am now signed off again, although hoping to return soon. I’ve also had to go back on medication, currently Venlafaxine, if you’re interested, although it looks like that may well change as the result of finally being formally diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I’ve written a little about this as part of my blipfoto journal – you can read the relevant posts here and here.

I have managed, so far, to maintain my “ViolaMaths” blipfoto journal and also my listening diary “A Year With My Ears” although my listening has been somewhat patchy recently, and posts are not updated as regularly as they used to be.

I’m hoping that this will change and my health will now start to improve again as I get appropriate medication sorted out. I’m also hoping that I’ll be able to start writing for this blog again – it’s something I enjoy and I’ve been delighted with the feedback I’ve received on previous posts.

There have been positive things going on in the last few months too. I’ve managed, just, to maintain an online life on facebook, although I’m conscious that I haven’t responded to some of the lovely messages people have sent me on there – I shall as soon as I am able. I’ve also made some lovely and very generous friends on Twitter (one of whom has been particularly generous to me recently and enhanced my life no end). In addition, I have a new “real world” friend whose company I enjoy very much, and, of course, the Wonderspouse continues to take care of his batty wife in his ever loving and patient way!

So this is the first post of 2010, even though we are now at the end of January. I hope there will be more posts to come and life will finally become less of a battle than it has been recently. Fingers crossed!

On Weekend Pancakes

Yesterday morning we had pancakes for breakfast. They were delicious, warm, and drizzled with maple syrup.

This morning we also had pancakes for breakfast. Since I’m currently not in possession of any Bonne Maman Cherry Compote, I had good old-fashioned sugar and lemon on them.

Those of you who follow me on twitter will know that this weekend pancake ritual is a regular occurrence. I tweet regularly about the Wonderspouse cooking pancakes on weekend mornings, so I thought I’d explain how it all started and why we do it!

Before I do, I’ll tell you a little about weekday breakfasts. On weekdays we get up quite early – the alarm goes at 5.30, and once the Wonderspouse has lured me into the land of the living with a cup of tea (I don’t actually exist in the mornings until I’ve had tea), I get dressed, make the bed and head downstairs where I just about manage to consume a bowl of cereal or instant porridge washed down with a glass of smoothie. The Wonderspouse generally eats toast, often with cheese and Marmite, and sometimes has cereal too. Whatever the case, it’s a quick snatched meal, before we depart for the commute to work – no time to linger over a weekday breakfast, and never, sadly, time for a second cup of tea.

The weekends are entirely different though.

Since the Wonderspouse left the world of retail, neither of us has to work regularly at weekends, so unless there is anything special going on, there is no alarm clock. The morning cup of tea is sometimes followed by more dozing, then we have plenty of time for a relaxed breakfast. These days it’s almost always pancakes, followed by the much desired second cup of tea.

We worked out yesterday that this pancake tradition started in summer 2004, so it’s now over half a decade old. Maybe bizarrely it actually began with an excess of strawberries. The Wonderspouse used to work in a small carpet shop and, owing to a miscalculation of scale on the part of his boss (who was catering for a small drinks reception), he arrived home from work one Saturday with about 10 punnets of strawberries.

Obviously, we couldn’t manage to eat that many with cream, so we set about doing creative things with strawberries (don’t smirk, not THAT creative), and one of the things we did was chop them up into little bits, put them into pancake batter, and have the pancakes for breakfast. I was instantly reminded of how much I like pancakes (I really really like pancakes), and so we decided to repeat the experience the following weekend, having had multiple discussions along the lines of “Pancakes are too good to be restricted to Shrove Tuesday” and so on. And a tradition was born.

Initially, the pancake tradition was confined to Sundays. I had, for many years (since my college days in fact) become accustomed to cooking myself porridge or having an egg on toast for Saturday breakfasts and the porridge/egg debate continued for some time. However, as time went on, the occasional Saturday pancake breakfast turned into a regular feature, so now we have pancakes for breakfast on both Saturday and Sunday mornings.

We don’t actually have strawberry pancakes any more. I’ve developed a fondness for Bonne Maman Cherry Compote as a filling, although I don’t always get it because it’s rather hard to get hold of these days. Maple syrup and sugar and lemon are also popular options, and in the summer we quite often have a scoop of ice cream as well.

We’ve also introduced pancakes into our evening meal menu – my favourite filling is “burnt” mince and cheese, with a little Reggae Reggae Sauce and some extra cheese sprinkled on top. A very delicious supper indeed!!

People often ask if it’s less of a treat because we do it so regularly. Well, in over 5 years of weekend breakfast pancakes the “treat” factor has not subsided. Maybe the weekends are just far enough apart that we don’t become accustomed too strongly to the pancake breakfasts. Maybe the association with the relaxed getting up times, second cups of tea etc. means that it remains a treat. Maybe I’m just very very fond of pancakes!!!

A few pictures from this morning’s pancake making follow! Please excuse the terrible state of the cooker - the Wonderspouse is not a particularly clean and tidy cook! He does make great pancakes though!

On Where to Read

I find myself sitting here with a pile of books I want to read. And I have a dilemma. Because I don’t yet want to have a bath!

So what’s the problem, I hear you all cry, just read somewhere that isn’t the bath.

And I now realise why I only ever read in the bath – because there IS nowhere else comfy enough in my house that allows me to rest a book at the appropriate angle and at the appropriate distance away from my face, other than the bath.

I’m currently in my study. I have 2 chairs in my study. Neither of them is comfortable enough to sit on to read, unless I read at my desk like we used to do at school, which isn’t actually very comfortable. I also have a futon, which looks like this – don’t think there’s room for me on there.

So that means that reading would have to be done somewhere else.

The only other place I ever sit is my sofa downstairs. It’s a great sofa for lying on to watch TV or fall asleep, but its design is such that it has no “arms” as such, nowhere to rest a book, and it isn’t wide enough to accommodate both me and book together. If I sit on it (as opposed to lying down) for more than about half an hour then it makes my back hurt. When I am sitting in any vaguely comfortable position my arms ache from holding the book at a suitable distance from my eyes.

So what about the bed? Well yes, I love to read in bed. Or rather I did. These days however, there just isn’t space. The bed is not a big one. Neither the Wonderspouse nor I is particularly diminutive. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not about to evict my husband from our bed or anything, but any attempt to introduce a papery third party into the marital bed usually ends with too many elbows, not enough pillow space and a generally grumpy sort of a situation. And, if I’m quite honest, by the time I get to bed, there is very little chance that I will manage more than a couple of paragraphs anyway before falling asleep.

So, short of sitting on the stairs, or curling up on the floor, I’m a bit stuck. What I really need is a nice armchair or something. But I don’t have a nice armchair. Even if I did have a nice armchair, there would be nowhere to put it – the house is so full of unsuitable sofas, random tables, heirloomish sideboards, pianos, and, ironically, bookcases, that there is simply nowhere to put an armchair.

Hmmmm!

I think if I want to do more reading I’m simply going to have to have more baths. Pass the soap someone!

On Holes and Ladders

Even if you are VERY unobservant, you may have noticed that there hasn’t been much added to this blog in the last month – in fact, it’s almost exactly a month since I last posted.

There are all the usual reasons & excuses – been busy, been on holiday, been a bit tired etc. but I’m now facing up to the real reason – been a bit bonkers again! If you’re unaware of my bonkersness, you can check it out here!

I’ve been trying to fight this bonkersness for a while, but things have gradually come adrift at the seams – I’ve had to defer my OU maths exam for this year because I reached the point where seeing a maths book was making me feel physically ill with anxiety, I’ve taken the odd day off work here and there, I’ve maybe drunk more than I should, eaten too much cake, stared at the lightbox to help the SAD situation, tested the patience of the Wonderspouse somewhat, and got to the stage where I’m sleeping about 2 hours per night!

However, I’ve finally stopped trying to fight it and given up for the time being. After a very peculiar week in France (being on holiday while bonkers is quite strange), I’ve come home, not gone back to work, booked a doctor’s appointment, STILL failed to unpack (it just seems way too difficult), forced the Wonderspouse to wear trousers that don’t fit because he has no other clean ones, and, this morning, burst into tears at the sight of two Weetabix!!

I’ve also just posted a slightly odd status update on my facebook wall:

“Opposition to installation of ladder currently occurring. Might spoil the view apparently. Strengthening of arms for better grip on ropes is being suggested. Searching for maps so as to find alternative route not going near hole.”

so I thought I might explain it here. At least I’m actually writing something again, which is more than I’ve done for weeks (even before the posts dried up, they became progressively less numerous). Strangely enough, giving up on TRYING to write a blog post has actually produced one!

Some time ago, when I had a small wobble, I described my mental health as having fallen down a deep dark hole. I’ve come across this description before, and it felt appropriate at the time. The resulting conversation on my facebook wall included a friend “fetching ropes” and “pulling on ropes”, and so the analogy continued.

I’ve actually found it a rather helpful analogy. Again, this morning, ropes, climbing gear, pulling me out and so on have been mentioned, and I’ve now continued the analogy even further.

Installation of ladder means going back on antidepressant drugs (which I don’t take for the reasons cited in the post linked to above). Spoiling the view refers to the blocking of appreciation of music, art and so on – all those things I love so much. Strengthening of arms refers to being able to do it on my own (preferred choice if I can manage it). Finding an alternative route means looking (again) to see if there are changes I can make to my life to stop it happening again (or, at least, to lessen the effect or make it less frequent or something – I’m not being too optimistic here).

So that’s the current state of play. The way I felt when I woke up this morning I was almost ready to say “Who cares? Just give me pills!” However, as today has progressed, what I think I shall say to the doctor tomorrow morning has changed. Support from friends online (messages, comments, a poem, and so on) and a bit of reflection makes me wonder if I can carry on doing it on my own.

And, in many ways, life isn’t actually that bad at the moment. There are things going on that are particularly good in fact. Things that give me quite a lot of cause to be optimistic and hopeful about the future. Things that make me feel that the fog in my brain will eventually clear. Things that might just mean I can clamber out of the dark hole on my own and learn how not to fall in again.

Now it’s just a question of how far down the hole I’m actually going to fall this time. Have I admitted the situation to myself early enough not to end up at the very bottom where the sides are steepest? Can I find some way to get inside my rather chaotic head and get it all back to some sort of order? If there’s no other way out then I’ll get a ladder installed, but I’m going to try the climbing route first. I can feel many people pulling on ropes from above, sending flasks of tea & bars of chocolate down to help sustain me on the journey.

Hopefully I’ll see you at the top!